My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
