Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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