You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
