I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
