I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I could fuck to npr.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
