she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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