And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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