Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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