You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
