i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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