Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
