the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
