did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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