Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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