Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just tell him i said nine months
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
