I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
