Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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