just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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