Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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