Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
