Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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