I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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