Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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