I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
