Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
