ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
where are my eyebrows?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
