I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize