remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
