My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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