I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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