I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
