im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
