pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
