I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
