if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize