i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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