we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
