HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
