apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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