i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
