hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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