Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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