Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
