I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Everything about him screamed your future.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize