Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
