the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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