I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it glows. i had to have it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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