my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
