Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
