two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize