so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
