If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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