I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
