I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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