these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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