Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize