I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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