my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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