Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
