i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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